Another social networking connection provides insight, growth and a proud Mom moment.

We all just want to make our parents proud and not embarrass our kids.  I believe that is at the heart of all our relationships.  Restorative Justice is about relationships, and I’ve posted a few times here about the comparisons of social media, to restorative justice, and the impact on these relationships.  Today I have 16 posts under Social Media.   Another benefit today, in a full-circle experience way!

I got to be interviewed today, by a social media connection.  Melinda  Blau, author of Consequential Strangers contacted me after I did a post on her book.  I really embraced the new concept, and found powerful examples after asking about CS’s in a Circle.  When she let me know via Twitter, she mentioned me in her blog, the Twitter link took me there.   (I left to go grab a link) and Oh geez in my true ADD form, I just found out she blogs for Psychology Today!  Now I feel even better about our conversation.

So the insight, growth and proud Mom moment! 

Melinda and I connected right away!  We were chatting away so friendly, her voice reminded me of family back in Michigan, although she’s from Maine.  She complimented my writing, and confirmed she doesn’t offer that type of comment.  She was talking about my blog writing, which for me to be talking to someone about was really cool.  I’ve been adding ’blogger’ onto my introductions but still feeling like it wasn’t quite “legit”.  Telling my blogging story and use of social media today, allowed me to hear out loud how this was all working for me.  I must say, “pretty cool”. 

I clarified how “putting myself out there” really puts who I am ahead of meeting me in person.  I also shared how high school friends on Facebook, have shared thoughts on my work now.  I network about Restorative Justice on Facebook, like mad.  Melinda really drew things out as we discussed this.  Who would have thought I would be talking about having a Mom who died of cancer or being adopted, today in an interview on social media!  Those two things are in my top few wounds.  I’ve said before, healing happens closest to the wound.  And making the link from who I was then, and who I am now, felt healthy.  To have what I put out there be reinforced, lends to me being more genuine, and Melinda and I talked about the importance to that.  I mentioned my value of congruence, which is when my personal and professional values stay aligned.  She agreed.

In talking about my blog, facebook, and twitter, I shared that my daughter was the only kid in her class who got to raise her hand when the teacher asked if parents were on Twitter.  A friend of Kylie’s said “your Mom would be”.  It turns out Kylie was in the office, doing some work for me for gas money.  I ended up putting her on the phone with Melinda.

The computer guy/friend was here, a friends daughter who helps me out in the office was here.  We were all impressed with my kid.  She shared that as odd as it is, her only privacy from me is her Facebook.  Long story, she won’t friend me, I “stalk” her.  She said out loud “my Mom and I are really close”.  I didn’t know or think she would say that.  I know I’m her Mom, but I must say it was pretty cool.

So the article is for the Psychotherapy Networker, and as I reflected on it later, I remembered something.  When I was a new in-home family therapist I used to LOVE that magazine!  Kylie was 3 when I had that job, and today at 18 she was interviewed for an article that is being written for it.  Wow, that’s full Circle!

Be a healthy practitioner, by practicing in front of others, and getting honest feedback.

Circle demonstration - UWRF

Today’s tip for being a healthy restorative justice practitioner from a recent experience.  I was gently given some feedback that my style was more ‘directive’ as compared to ‘welcoming’.  This has been a little hard for me to swallow and digest.  Writing gives me the opportunity to do that, and sharing this story in the blog, may very well help all of us.

Let me admit, I’ve been called a ‘maverick’, which is not always a compliment.  It’s a sign I’m not afraid to do what it takes to get things done.  But it can mean I ‘exclude’ others along the way to ‘get it done’.  I relate it to farm girl upbringing.  If it was hungry we fed it, broke we fixed, if it needed done you do it.  But like everyone else, I am not just ‘farm-girl’ I am many different things.  (thank goodness for that).

I am reading Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer, I came across his suggestion that we all have potholes, and that our goal should be to know them so well we avoid them, vs getting stuck or derailed by them.  I am grateful now that I was provided the feedback, it perhaps speaks to my ‘maverickness-as a potential pothole’.

A fellow practitioner asked me if I was nervous, maybe she said tense.  I can’t remember.  My response was “ohh no, not at all”.  But her question lingered with me.  I started to wonder about why she asked that.  I reflected on the Circle I kept in her prescense.  I wondered if I had gotten “canned” I use the same speech at the beginning, pull from my mental library of scripts, based on certain situations.  It burned in my brain, I needed to ask about it.

In true restorative-justice-practioner-compasionate-skills, she advised me of “no right or wrong, just different”.  She acknowledged the fact I teach in Circle and work with students.  Then she gently let me know, I was more directive than welcoming.  Honestly, GULP and ‘ouch’, yet, okay . . . its how I handle this that matters.

I trust this person.  I trust this feedback.  I want to employ concepts like “respect”, “inclusiveness”, “belonging” key terms to doing restorative justice.  Yet put those terms on a continuum with directive on the left and welcoming on the right, where are they closer?  (okay I’ve been staring at the computer screen for 30 seconds trying to answer my own question).

The answer:  BALANCE.

whew-whew!  Awareness is really the first step in anything isn’t it?  I know the concepts/values I want to ‘permeate’ my work.  You get further not by saying you are a value, but by living it.  I can continue to move ahead, mindful of this now.  I can embrace the feedback and be an even better circle-keeper.  Thus the title and recomendation:

practice, your restorative practice in front of others

Whose perfect?  Growing means nurturing from the rain, leaning towards the sun.  Find people who can offer you honest, supportive and genuine feedback.  Offer it to help others, if you do it like it was given to me, its sure to help.

Dealing with the percent that don’t follow through, and keeping a restorative view.

I have read a variety of studies, that the success of restorative jusitce, in part is measured by the offenders that follow thru with agreements.  I remember seeing this to be around 80% and comparison groups to be under 60%.  I quickly grabbed this reference article for you.  The U of M, Center for Restorative Justice and Peacemaking has a number of article.  Its early Monday morning and regardless of the statistic, pracitioners will face dealing with people who don’t keep restorative justice agreements.  The topic of this post.

I try to be a restorative justice ‘Rock Star’,  I LOVE it, LIVE it, breathe it, and its got to be in my DNA.  Nothing is perfect.  Not even my beloved Restorative Justice.  So the real challenge then, comes in applying my restorative justice world view to situations that arise, when offenders are non-compliant.  I question if I need a new word, “non-compliant” doesn’t sound restorative.  Maybe after another cup of coffee.

When offenders don’t take action to repair harm, they are creating more.  I plan to remember to mention this anytime I have a hunch and offender may not honor their agreement.  My harms:  my first Subpoena as a restorative justice facilitator.  This has an impact on my schedule, and time is my most valuable resource.  I have questioned my relationship to my skills, I didn’t have any concern this case would not resolve successfully.  I have had to send certified mail, a financial cost, and then address the needs of the victim.

 The deadline came and went for the letter of apology.  Just one day past the deadline, the victim called looking for an update.  I had to explain I did not have a letter, and was dealing with not hearing from the person who authored the harm, and needed to author a letter of apology (among other things).  I said I would follow up with an update.

In the meantime, I did more than my part on making the agreement happen.  Once the offender missed 2 meetings:  letters, phone voicemail messages left.  Phone calls where I blocked my number.  Certified mail.  Confirmation of certified mail.  No response.  I had to report back to the referring agency, we were not successful.  If you only view success from the standpoint of offender compliance.  As far as I know this person has not been charged with a new crime.  So perhaps the process helped in someway that without us, he would have committed a similiar or more serious offense.  (I am the eternal optimist).

To continue to address this in a restorative manner would mean for me to hold a ‘relationship’ viewpoint of this.  As I was driving into work today, I realized once again, contacting the victim in this case had been “forgotten” again.  I think subconsiously I was forgetful because I didn’t want to deliver the disappointing news.  I needed to do this, asap.  So I stopped in (this was the way our contact has been).

My visit with the victim, I had to apologize for my forgetfulness, and I acknowledged that it had to do with sharing disappointing  news.  I explained my attempts at working on the conference agreement.  The victim was disappointed, a letter from the courts, arrived before my visit.  The victim is not going to future court dates.  I assured that I was going.  The victim was sure what needed to be stated, had been said at our conference.  If you look at victim satisfaction for RJ success, then even in this situation the victim was satisfied.  There was doubt expressed about the offender.

This case is a let down, because I want 100% success.  Yet I can see that SCVRJP is a valued team member.  The agency that referred the case, is responding to the offenders behavior.  So many times frustration is expressed with “why don’t they DO something”.  Something is happening.

Public speaking tips, reaching everyone in your audience when speaking about Restorative Justice.

From Seth Godin’s Blog:

The work you do when you spread the word or run an ad or invent a policy is likely aimed at one of these four groups.

• Strangers are customers to be, but not yet
• Critics are those that would speak ill of you, or need to be converted
• Friends are those that might have given permission, or even buy now and then
• Fans are members of your tribe, supporters and insiders

You already know the truth: can’t please all these groups at once.

As a restorative justice practitioner or advocate, you maybe asked to speak to a group, that includes all the groups mentioned above.  Godin’s categories, reminded me of a recent post, not everyone views restorative justice equally.  I appreciate Godin’s perspective as it relates to ‘marketing efforts’, good food for thought.  Yet when we need to speak to a group that might include strangers, critics, friends and fans  I go for:

1.) converting the critic

2.) befriending the stranger 

3.) reinforcing my friendships

4.) making my fans proud

I LOVE talking about restorative justice, almost as much as I love doing it.  Getting in front of people and reaching out to touch their hearts, makes me feel good.  I work hard at this aspect of my professional self.  I started with the book ‘Public Speaking for Dummies’, I’ve desperately wanted to join Toastmasters for years.  My favorite blogger, Penelope Trunk, just blogged that being and Expert, takes Time.  My time put in for public presentations has given me the perspective to offer how to try and please all the groups Godin mentions:

• Tread lightly – consider the audience, remember they may have experienced a crime or have a family member in prison.  Critics might be able to take your information if its in smaller bites.  I lead with different perspectives, so know your audience and present the values, philosophies and structure of Restorative Justice.
• Acknowledge your bias – I just shrug my shoulders and disclose how much I love this stuff.  A role model of mine, Janine Geske, (check this You Tube out) shares that she fullfills a purpose of her own, by facilitating restorative jusitce.  When you own who you are, you are introducing yourself to a stranger.  You are engaging the person by speaking to who you are. 
• Honor other people – point out people in your audience that are supporters, helpers or groups related to those in your audience.  This point relates to speaking to your friends.  I quickly modified a presentation while sitting thru the first two speakers.  The audience was prosecutors and law enforcement.  The topics ahead of me, case law, legislative updates.  My armpits were soaking wet with fear.  I didn’t let ‘em see me sweat.  I thanked them for responding to car crashes, shared a story about a Mom whose son died.  The Officer that notified, knelt in front of her as she sobbed.  I went for finding our common ground, our friendship first, by honoring this group.
• Finish strong – close out your public speaking with an emotional punch.  Show the power of storytelling with telling a story.  I did this at a recent presentation.  I shared the outcome from ‘To Meet a Killer’, where a family gets details about the courage their loved one demonstrates at the end of her life.  I set up the story, by explaining how some people might say, they never want to see their offender.  Then ended with the example of information Linda White recieved.  The number of women that got teary suprised me.

After a presentation someone in the audience told me I was convincing and all that was needed to promote restorative justice was to have me speak.  What great feedback, making fans proud, by ending strong!

Give your next speech”your all”,  keep in mind Godin’s strangers, critics, friends and fans  and connect restoratively to all of them with my tips.

Tackling tough issues in Restorative Jusitce Talking Circles, showing up “compassionately strong”.

I have had the good fortune of doing restorative justice full time, for about 4 1/2 years, the year before that I did it part-time.  I’ve been an advocate of the process for a dozen years now.  I’ve been in my share of Circles, and I have immersed myself in learning all I can about Circle process and about topics relevant to peace, conflict-resolution, healing, spirituality, communicating, human nature, criminal justice.  The point of this paragraph is to let you know, I didn’t just instantly have skills for tough topics.  My advice, don’t dive in untrained and unprepared to deeply conflictual issues.

Sometimes, I find myself in a bit more conflict that I had anticipated.  My beloved, the Circle process, has a way of being a life preserver, in even the stormiest of seas. 

I love hearing “what you did must have worked”.  This means that whatever issue or conflict addressed, was not seen or heard from again.  I like knowing that groups empowered and employed to use a process, will resolve it.  That lends faith to moving ahead in even more conflicted situations.

I am not afraid of strong emotions.  That is a character strength needed to deal with deep conflict.  Being “compassionately strong” means being able to witness those without reacting or taking them personal, and teaching others how to do that.

I was caught off guard in a Circle training, when a participant pointed out the way I listen.  She remarked on the absence of head-bobbing, agreeing facial comments, or changes in my body language to indicate my feeling towards what the speaker was saying.  It was here “aha” about listening for understanding, being NON-JUDGEMENTAL.  That’s the ‘compassion’ part, accepting people where they are.  You have to have compassion to listen, and fully understand, where they are.  Not easy.

I got some solid feedback recently, about the effectiveness of the Circle process, and about what I did to make it work.  It was a tense beginning, and I was checking in with people about going ahead, at the exact moment we were to start.  We had a very serious issue, and a key player only willing to do the process for 50 minutes.  We went ahead, I actually did something I would never recommend.  I skipped the values on the paperplates.  We did 1, getting acquainted question, and went right into addressing issues.  The basic Conference questions (IIRP Cards).  I did adjust what I said in between stages, I acknowledged we were not wading in, but jumping in the deep end.  People were so ready to talk.  I must admit, the Circle was actually pretty awesome.  There were hugs and apologies after, and deeply impacted people leaving the session.

I got the feedback that led to this post, and me passing along to you to be “compassionately strong”.  A community member present, later offered that I was amazing in the Circle.  I offered that I get to do this full-time, and have lots of practice.  His perspective was that I had a “way”, that I was direct and firm (strong), yet guided the process (compassionate) and got people to go to ‘this place’.  It came from not being afraid, because I know, I just know, how powerful it can be when we simply take turns really listening to each other.

Guess where I am taking this next?  Racism.  At UWRF on Thursday February 4, aTalking Circle, and this video will be part of our addressing issues stage.  I’ll keep you posted.

As Restorative Justice practitioners, hard work needed regarding victims. 5 things to do.

I want to offer some lessons for people who do restorative justice.  These lessons are for working with victims in either a victim-offender dialogue or a talking circle.  I think its important to keep up our compassion towards victims skills.  To really do our best, I have 5 things to work really hard at:

 1.) Stay grounded in the parameters of the process.  I decided that the Circle would flow better if we had the offender going last.  That’s not what Restorative Justice guides us to do.  You let the victim decide, and you give the victim that option.  You talk about it before going into the session, not at the meeting - prepare-prepare-prepare.  I caught myself, and the session went with the offender speaking first, as the victim requested.  In one session, the victim was given the choice, and she wanted the offender to decide.  On this particular point, remember you are giving the victim choices.

To stay grounded in the parameters of the process, means to also stay focues on core mission, values and vision of Restorative Justice.  Sometimes it takes hard work, to hold your care and concern for vicitms, and the values at the same time.

2.)Convey the intentions and limitations of Restorative Justice.  I think each person victimized deals with it in a very unique and personalized response.  It would be hard to develop programs, for specific reactions that victims have.  Some victims, justifyible so, are very angry.  Some hold large quanities of self-blame.  Others experience deep trauma because the incident was sudden and could have been prevented.  Some victims withdraw, from the system and the situation.  Other take on a crusade and want to change the world because of what happened.  My point is that each person has a unique reaction.

Is restorative justice going to get to the outcomes that a victim really wants?  As practitioners we owe it to everyone involved to fully share what the intentions of restorative justice are.  I say the “conversation creates the outcome”, that we don’t go in with a detailed agenda for others.  But what if the victim wants and needs to see remorse in the offender?  Share and disclose the limitations of the process, use stories and examples of other victims.  Often times the process is the start of a new layer of healing for vicitms.  Empower people that their journey is their personal discovery and growth.  Be honored to be a part of it, but a restorative session has limits and is often times a place on the path of healing.  It takes alot of hard work as a practitioner to put these things “in the air” and not offender or confront vicitms.

3)Remind victims about core RJ values.  I try to make a point of mentioning that “listening for understanding” does not mean “accepting the behavior”.  I try to discuss with each side before a meeting, things like body language and eye contact.  Victims can feel disrespected for not getting eye contact, yet an offender is feeling shame and is embarresed to make the eye contact.  Its important to meet people where they are at.  Dicuss a simple element like ‘respect’ and come to understanding and build a strong positive relationship with people before facilitating their session.  Remember strong, positive relationships are hard work.  Especially with people who have just been hurt.

4.)Negotiate the “owning of the offense”, carefully.  I had a  consequential stranger experience.  In a gift shop, playing with an item, and outloud I mentioned “I do a thing where use a talking piece, I wonder if this might work”.  The person behind the counter said “Do you mean like Restorative Justice”.  I nearly fell over.  If the words “restorative justice” come up in a conversation, the first person to do it is me!  I said, “yes” and moved in to learn all I could about how she knew these words.

She had participated in a session.  She was very nice to me, and suggested maybe the facilitator was “new”.  Her son had been a victim, an item of his stolen at school.  So she took her time to go to a session, they used a talking piece, at a table.  She shared feeling really bad for the offenders Mom, she was lied to by her son.  Offenders Mom, was a school staff person, and that added to her shame.  Apparently, the offender did not say sorry to his mother, he didn’t appear remorseful in the session.  I went into helper mode, offered a few examples of knowing people that didn’t get it at the time, but later were touched.  She offered that, yes maybe later in private he could have said those things.  I saw her be empowered in that outcome, and take that option under consideration.

Some offenders still fear getting in trouble, and will “self-preserve” over telling the truth.  They acknowledge they caused the harm, but full disclosure of the story, the details, the telling of the incident from start to finish, doesn’t happen.  Sometimes the anxiety of the meeting causes people to not remember or become frightened to speak much.  As practitioners, tread lightly, prepare victims for how this portion will go, and how they will respond to it going not at well as expected.

I am accepting of grey, and I can take offenders where they are at, except the  ”I didn’t do it”.  Realize that as a practitioner where you are at, may not be shared by others.  Work hard to make sure what is likely to happen in the session, is safe for everyone.

5)accept you can’t meet everyones needs.  As Restorative Justice people, we deeply and earnestly want to help victims with their needs.  They were harmed, something was taken from them, we want to balance that by giving them what they want. 

So when Restorative Justice is victim-centered, guess what, we don’t even really know what that means, because we don’t know the victims wants and needs are.  We don’t really know what they are going to want or need as the preparation process evolves.  Victims are humans first, and as human beings sometimes we identify our wants and needs and they aren’t exactly reasonable.

I did this, working on my masters degree, trying to study.  I wanted my kid to respect that I needed quiet time.  I was frustrated when my need was not met.  That is human behavior.  Luckily when complaining to someone, they point blank told me:  ”She’s 3, no way she gets your needs”.   That was all it took for me to realize my need, was out of line.  You can’t exactly be that blunt with a grieving victim.  You can put in the hard work, to help people understand their wants and needs.

Do the best you can upholding the principles of restorative justice, consult with others, co-facilitate and communicate directly.

 

Invitations from SCVRJP!

At St. Croix Valley Restorative Justice, we do what we can to engage our community.  Please see the attachments regarding some upcoming events!  Hope to see you there!

Open House Invitation - we are appreciating our local partners in public safety, and showing our community the new space we’ve obtained for holding circles.  February 12th from 3:30-5:30 join us for Valentines Cookies and punch!

Volunteer Training is an important part of having strong community members.  The following attachment outlines our first few months of offerings for 2010.  Please RSVP if you would like to attend!

Volunteer trainings 2010

A perspective on ‘evidence-based’ practice, Important Safety Information: Kris Miner style.

• Life-threatening skin reactions, including rash, swelling, redness, and peeling of the skin, blisters in the mouth.  Life-threatening swelling of the face, mouth and throat that can cause trouble breathing.
• Some people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions.
• Common side effects: nausea, sleep problems, constipation, gas and vomiting.  Also reported: trouble sleeping, vivid, unusual or strange dreams.
• If you, your family or caregiver notice: agitation, hostility, depression, changes in behavior, thinking, or mood not typical for you, or if you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, panic, agression, anger, mania, abnormal sensations, hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion, call your doctor.

What the hell?  Why in the world would you take a medication that could or does all of this to you?  I mean really?  The first time I heard this on tv, I thought, how would you know to call your doctor or stop the medication! 

Another example is the weight loss pill, that you need to bring a change of clothes to work, wear dark pants, cause its likely you will have oily discharge or poop your pants!

Do you have faith in the drug industry and the products they promote?  Does it seem odd that the side effects can be worse than the actually problem you had in the first place? 

Why then is so much faith put into ‘evidence-based’ practice for working with youth?  And where are the disclosures, the ‘Important Safety Information’ that should also be included?  You don’t hear that part.  This angle on evidence-based practice was stirred by my reading of the book Deep Brain Learning.  From the introduction:

“Many popular approaches to education, treatment, and juvenile justice are devoid or any scientific rationale but still have enthusiastic proponents.   . . . People may strongly cling to such approaches, even in the absence of any solid evidence . . .”

The authors go on to explain that evidence-based may mean very little, and that some argue  “effectiveness requires random clinical trails as used by the drug industry – as if this inspires much credibility.”  Thats what got me thinking about the drug companies, and the “safety information”.

The authors go on to explain and support the American Psychological Association definition of Evidence-based.  That definition balances evidence-based practice as a 3 legged-stool: 1)informatin about the individual, 2)practice expertise and 3)research from MULTIPLE perspectives. 

I like this, when I teach about Restorative Justice, I use the APA study that rejects zero tolerance and supports restorative justice.  Fact sheet on Zero Tolerance.

Just something to think about.

Forgiveness, as mashed potatoes, the relationship to restorative justice.

We all contain operate on a mixutre of fuel.  That fuel can be knowledge gained in a book, experiences that shaped beliefs and our own attitudes and values.  My understanding of restorative justice and forgiveness was developed in very much the same way.  Articles by Mark Umbriet,  Marilyn Armour and the fact they have both trained me, have influenced me.  Many other great leaders in the practice David Lehrman, Kay Pranis, Nancy Riestenberg in conversations or trainings we have chatted about forgiveness and restorative justice. 

So this blog post is Kris Miner’s relationship to forgiveness and restorative justice.  Mashed potatoes are forgiveness.  Just a simple metaphor, go with me on this.  Can you do much with mashed potatoes without a plate?  Not exactly a finger food.  Although I have seen them shaped into snowmen, when my daughter was 9 I ate lunch with her at school.  Back to this metaphor!  Mashed potatoes are best served on a plate.

I believe restorative justice is the plate.  It creates a context for understanding, empathy, dialogue, the restoration of connections.  Some victims may choose to put mashed potatoes on the plate, and say “I forgive you”.  Does restorative justice seek out to have people forgive, NO, absolutely not.  Restorative Justice and forgiveness both have healing benefits and some might say ‘theraputic’.  The way I see it, restorative jusitce focuses on the core restorative values:  harms, needs, obligation and engagement.  These 4 words, are Howard Zehr’s 3 pillars of Restorative Justice.  I like things in 3’s and I use the three swirls of the SCVRJP logo to explain restorative justice.

In addition to the Zehr pillars – the triad’s of Restorative Jusitce are Victim/Offender/Community AND empathy/self-worth/connections.  So we have a 9 key concepts here.  You apply all of them to each other, a few examples:

-consider the harms and needs for both victims and offenders

-involve vicitm, offender and community in creating the obligations – responding to harm

-address the connections between victim and offender, victim and the crime, offender and the wrong-doing

-recognize that self-worth is important for those that authored harm and those that experienced it

Restorative Justice is also about the process, the type of experience when putting people together – a conference or circle session.  Its about the context used to faciltate the concepts.  Here is the thing about forgiveness, it can happen deeply and personally and it can occur without the other person even knowing about it.  Someone gave me a quote: 

when you forgive someone, you release the right to punish them

Restorative Justice is not about punishment and at the same time, it’s not about forgiveness, forgivness is a great by product that often occurs.  I have also experienced this quote in action, that once you speak your peace, the desire to punish evaporates.  I wouldn’t start with this quote, because I think the first thing people need is to be heard.

Restorative Justice is about creating the plate, and that keeps practitioners plenty busy.  I believe in the value of forgiveness, it’s healing qualities are documented time and time again.  I keep a close eye on the concept, love the work of the Fetzer Institute.  What I love more, is that Restorative Justice empowers people to decide for themselves if they are going to be forgiving.  That is empowering when you self select your healing.

Yesterday a Mom talked about what she would take away from the session.  She was glad that she could now see the offender in the community and not be pissed off.  We didn’t talk about forgiveness, in restorative justice, we have it, its just more of a feeling or sense than a concept.  I sure like being the person that gives people a plate for those potatoes!

Restorative Justice changes people and impacts practitioners as well.

My first experiences with restorative justice occured in the mid-to-late 90’s.  I wasn’t too sure about this stuff.  Sitting in a Circle, letting family members make decisions.  I was barely 30 then, and having finished a masters degree in my mid-twenties, I think I still thought I knew it all.  I was attracted to the notion of helping people, but I also really liked being part of the system. 

The notions that we do things WITH people instead of TO them or FOR them, well that was the first aspect of Restorative Justice I was willing to try.  When I experiemented with this, my clients were successful.  They seemed to see the success was their own, it was lasting and sustained.  And I took the concept of doing things with them, very seriously.  I was the social worker attending the youth conference as a chaperone.  I took a client to a college campus visit, attended cultural holiday celebrations where the Police Officer working and I were the only white people in attendance.  I was like Clint Eastwoods character in Gran Torino, the scene where he was with the Hmong family in their home.  I wish I would have kept a blog or journal, when I was a social worker in Rochester, MN I had a lot of enriching experiences with my teenage clients.

It was talking circles in a juvenile detention center that really changed me.  The young people would open up, often times shocking the guards/staff.  I brought my happy self in to a dark depressing place.  No juvenile wants to be locked up, and worse yet, they don’t like to be strippped of controlling themselves.  As people waited for court dates, sentancing information or were just serving days, there was always more than surface issues to be shared in Circle.  It changed me.  I left a negative relationship.  I set sail to learning more about Circles.

Now I have worked 5 years running a restorative justice non-profit.  That has changed me.  It has become who I am and simply what I do.  I love it.

As part of so much Circle work, my perceptions of men have shifted.  It started in teen driving circles, when the young men, were open, honest and talkative about values.  It was my daughter who flipped from the comments on the back to the gender question on the front.  “Mom, the boys liked it more than the girls”.  I have been struck by the amount of ‘Dads’ mentioned when we talk about relationship values and where we have learned them.

There is a buzz about family values being gone.  Yet I see again and again, our young people are learning our values, our positive values.  The male voice in Circle, the dose of masculinity can be very real.  Give a guy a talking piece, watch him speak his heart and you can hear, really hear, the truth.

Dad’s/Men have a way of communicating when they embrace the Circle, they “get” high accountablity/high support.  You could have heard a pin drop recently when a father was speaking.  He said how he knew and believed in each youth.  He said he had faith in them.  He said they did a “dumb-ass” thing.  Nobody seemed to wince at the swear word, because we all knew it was true. 

He went on to say that you need to “man-up” when you’ve done wrong, admit it, accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to make things right.

I couldn’t have said “dumb-ass”, but he did and it worked.  I looked at his strong big, man hand gripping the deer antler talking piece.  The role of a father, a man, a community member was being accepted, acknowledged and honored by all of us listening to him.  It impacted me seeing such a strong male role model.

Then I got distracted by my own thoughts.  I started to wonder what it would take for me to get him to volunteer in other Circles.